Krakenpriest

Defying God
- Some time in the 21st Century, Kraken committed a heresy of the highest order - he deleted a Bible app from his phone. Angered and insulted, God retaliated by cursing Kraken and everyone he interacts with with the horrible plagues of Egypt. The curse eventually spread to Dandara and Michael, bricking their computers.

Battle of Kraken's Tower
- Immediately after defying God, spiders were summoned from his tower, all of which are bloodthirsty and relentless to increase Kraken's suffering by either scaring him until he shits his pants or rendering him unable to use his computer.

Personality and traits
- Being born from the taint of America, Kraken is naturally weird. Additionally, complication during his birth severely affected his neural development, and as such is an extreme deviant - even for a Floridian.

- Being a sexual deviant, Kraken is sexually attracted to things that should not be. He proudly discloses in VC that he wants to smooch the alien in Splice (2009), and do much more. During the sex scene in the movie, he audibly moans. Some witnesses testified that they heard slapping sounds.

Abilities
Weather Manipulation (Emergent)

- Although Kraken has no real superpowers, his intrinsic Floridianess makes natural disasters, such as hurricanes, avoid him and his general direction. He has effectively saved thousands of lives and milions of dollars in potential damages. Theoretically, Kraken can hop in a fast car and "control" the path of a natural disaster.

Weaknesses
Arachnophobia

- Kraken, being a little bitch, is afraid of spiders. He visibly pissed himself during the Battle of Kraken's Tower. During the war, he was screaming like a pussy.

Spelling

- Kraken is partially illiterate. Not that he's dyslexic, he's just too dumb to understand how to spell things. He's probably having a hard time reading this right now.

Homeless

- After suffering from the wrath of God, Kraken is now homeless.

Royal Crown Derby Vase 1886

- Very good with one small scratch.

Beta Cuck

- Being the little bitch he is, Kraken is afraid of anything. He feels threatened even when there is no hostility. One time, he saw a dude squinting from the Floridian heat, and he thought the guy was angry at him. Kraken immediately knelt down and cried. "Don't hurt me," he said, "I'll do anything. I'll suck your dick, please just don't hurt me."

Homoerotic Aura

- Kraken unconsciously manipulated the very fabric of reality around him such that it shall always have homoerotic subtext. All conversations with him will turn into talking about the male genitalia and anus. He claims that Michael is simply gaslighting him into thinking that they never talk about dicks and "cum smoothies", but in reality, Kraken simply has the Big Gay.

Rat Physiology

- Rats are unable to differentiate salty and fresh water, and thus will continue to drink them until they die (Richter, Mosier Jr, 1954). Kraken's body cannot handle even the lowest levels of salt, and will involuntarily attempt to regurgitate it out of the body to avoid death. Kraken being the dumb bitch ass he is, loves the taste of salt (although not in food, apparently) and continues to eat it. Years of conditioning has made the regurgitation reflex into a coughing reflex. It is unknown how much salt Kraken's body can take before he dies, but hopefully it's not a lot.

Boner Slaying

- Krakenpriest is so goddamn horribly bad at talking to women that he can not only instantly reduce their horniness meter to zero, but also lower it to negative values. One reported incident where Kraken interacted with the female of the species, the unfortunate victim ran away and hid from the world just to get away from Krakenpriest, and they met on the internet.

Women
- LMAO

Quotes

 * "You play Fall Guys, but no guys falling for you."

- Kraken, 2020

"I like to feel them wiggle when it goes down my throat"

- Kraken, 2020

- Kraken, 2020
 * "I use Bing."

Trivia

 * According to Jennifer, he is the OG Bussy
 * https://cdn.discordapp.com/attachments/672125019975057410/759229407595987014/SPOILER_you_my_champ.mp4